Seekers, its been awhile. The central blog of Spiritual Seekers Guide to Queenstown & Surrounds has been paused for the latter half of 2019, but as we arrive at the end of this wild, wild year I felt it time again to begin.
This year has, as all years do, had its challenges for many of us – and many have been pushed to grow as a result. For me, this was the year I lost my Father to Cancer, so I experienced profound loss on many levels. I also met myself with more kindness then ever before – not all of the time but enough of the time. Therefore I hit pause on many things, including this blog and my business, but I knew this would be here waiting for me when I came back. And I would have something new to say, from a place I have not been before. Loss of a parent means a profound transformation takes place. I now belong to a club of people who have had to come completely apart before finding a totally new version of themselves, someone parentless and therefore adrift. It has re-shaped all of my relationships, for better or worse and taken me so far from the shores of my known self that I lost sight of land – I’ve been floating in a vastness ever since. Little signs of land nearby pass me by more now then since this happened. A bird flying, a wave crashing on something solid. Much which was built on sand has had to become more solid in my life, or be swept away by my watery grief.
It is both enormously relieving and horrifying to say goodbye to this year. I’ve already had to say goodbye to my Dad, and that was long before he passed. I had many goodbyes with him throughout my confusing years, disconnection and then a changed relationship, a new connection coloring us as I became a Mother and learnt about what it is to be a parent, well – the best parent you can be with what you have got. I saw both my parents with more compassion and more disappointment, in equal measure. I could relate. Then, as my Dad became sicker, I said goodbye before he was gone and then he was. So final. That last drink of air, the looking and not seeing a roof or a wall or even us – but something which gave him a look of sheer amazement, incredulity. I like to think he was staring into the welcoming womb of the Divine. Whatever that is. To end this year and put it to bed, means I really do need to accept his death, even though I have known that I have fooled myself, nowadays I tell myself that he has just gone off somewhere for awhile. I was waiting for that day when I could believe he had died, but now I feel that day will never come and I get busy and distracted. and tell myself he’s just on holiday.
Time will tell, I guess. He passed on August 6th 2019.
Loss can be viewed as a liberation. I may not have ever known the true depths of my Dad’s love for me, had he not passed and I was drawn to explore earlier memories, to make sense of the part of our relationship where he hadn’t loved me in the way a girl child needs to be loved. Not long before he begun to show symptoms of his illness I learnt that I hadn’t seen him for a year following my parents separation. I tracked down that ache and without judgement towards them, I tried to understand it. Without his ‘going away,’ I may not have healed that particular wound at this time. Such realizations have had huge affect on my relationships, with my family, my partner, my friends but most of all, myself.
2019 has bought Forgiveness, of Self and the Other.
What a gift to be awakening to as we welcome December and the time of Christmas. I know it will be a tough one, a big piece of my heart is missing. Giving space to an understanding and a love towards myself and others which is deeper then what it was before this year unfolded.
I have often said to my loved ones, since the passing of my Dad, that I have never been through such a hard time but I have never felt so grounded, with an inner peace and as though I finally feel like my true self. Somehow the gift of loss has meant that I have been forced to reassess all that is true and right in my experience of this earth bound journey, I feel fired up about the things which give me energy and vitality and I have a burning light for seeking to build a world where no one suffers needlessly, from things like Cancer or lessons unlearnt. I may not live to see such a world but while here, I intend to make a choice everyday to live in that possibility and to work towards it.
As we head towards the end of the year which has taught us much, spend some time reflecting on your lessons and where you might find the gift of gratitude within the hardest times. As we head into 2020, with a new journey before us, the ground before us cleared from the fires of yesteryear, let your imagination spark what you wish to see play out in 2020, a year where we might use the skills gained this year to make the impact we know is our destiny,
I look forward to creating the Seeker blog more regularly – as life allows! Spiritual Seekers Guide to Queenstown & Surrounds wishes you all a brilliant, sunshine filled festive season – you can look forward to therapist and event reviews over the Christmas season, as well as the final Full Moon report, Star Gazer – make the most of this one and go out with a bang!
If you are a well being, growth orientated, business leader please get in touch to list your event and business! Seekers are always checking the website to see what’s on in our conscious community, so please join us!